THOUGHTFUL THURSDAY ~ AND THE WINNER IS…..Not Me! ~ September 1, 2011 by Dolores Ayotte

Several months ago, my husband persuaded to enter a book writing contest.  My initial response was “no way”.  First of all, I never realized that you had to pay to enter such contests. There was a submission entry fee.  It may not be this way in all book contests but it was in this particular one. I was naïve enough to think that people nominated you after they read your book.  Also, this was my very first book, and I knew that there was a lot of room for improvement.  My husband rationalized that if I didn’t enter than for sure I wouldn’t win. Therefore, even if it was a long shot I entered the contest against my better judgement.

You guessed it!  I lost.  Since then, I have heard and read several comments to the effect that merely having written a book makes us all winners. It has been said that there were no losers in this contest because we have accomplished a great feat by having the courage to enter our books in the contest.

Well, yes and no. This rationalization does not totally make sense to me. It sounds more like an appeasement.  Why enter a contest in the first place if there is no honor or reward in winning?  If we are all winners even if we lose, than maybe the reverse is true and the winners are losers just like the rest of us.

“I’m Not Perfect And It’s Okay” is written in an imperfect way much like its author, me.  I’m sorry to admit that there are a few typos in it that my editor, my proofreaders and I missed.  Oops…I guess they are not perfect either.  I heard an expression just the other day.  It was about being “beautifully imperfect”.  That’s my goal, to be beautiful despite my imperfections.

However, in the end, it is my name on the book and I am ultimately responsible for its content and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes, maybe it is not as well written or as polished as some other books, but what the heck; I gave it my best shot.  The negative consequence of not winning the contest will not deter me.  It will only suffice to make me more determined.  I’m like a dog with a bone and I’m not going to give up that easy. 

Although, I will say this, no matter how hard anyone may try to flower up the facts, along with many other authors, I lost and some other authors won. There were far more losers than winners. I will not take that away from the winners by saying there were no losers in this book writing contest because I am one of them. I lost, I know it, and I’m not afraid to admit it.  I’m not afraid to admit this either.  It mattered…in fact, it mattered a lot more than I thought it would.  I have a competitive spirit and it’s no fun to lose. I’m sure that it mattered to the winners too!

Therefore, on that note I would like to congratulate all the winners.  It feels so wonderful to win, don’t you think? Bravo to you all!

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INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES AND ANECDOTES

“Achievement is not always success, while reputed failure often is.  It is honest endeavor, persistent effort to do the best possible under any and all circumstances.” (Orison Swett Marden)

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I’M NOT PERFECT AND IT’S OKAY ~ Thirteen Steps To A Happier Self ~ Chapter 5 ~ July 29, 2011 by Dolores Ayotte

CHAPTER FIVE ~ He Who Laughs, Lasts!

Over the last several years, my husband and I have had a neat arrangement. He usually is not a man of many words. I am a morning person, and he is not. When we walk in the morning, he says very little. On many occasions he has told me to just keep talking and says that he will let me know when he doesn’t agree with me. So he must be agreeing with me in most instances because he usually just keeps moving along in silence. According to Wilma Askinas, “Sometimes you have to be silent in order to be heard.”[i] Publius Syrus recommends, however, to “let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.”[ii] Either way you look at it, I must admit that I already know what he does or doesn’t agree with. If I want to get him to talk, I just press one of his buttons, but most of the time I hear his silence and know exactly what it means…

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[i] “Wilma Askinas quotes,”
Thinkexist.com, http://thinkexist.com/quotes/wima_askinas/.

[ii] “Publius Syrus quotes,”
QuotationsBook, http://quotationbook.com/quotes/36269/.

Once again my dear readers, I thank you for taking some time out of your busy lives to spend some of it with me. Take gentle care and may God grant you His choicest blessings!

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I’M NOT PERFECT AND IT’S OKAY ~ Thirteen Steps To A Happier Self ~ Chapter 4 ~ July 28, 2011 by Dolores Ayotte

CHAPTER FOUR ~ More F Words!

My goodness, where in the world could I be going now? F words! Admit it, you thought of the unmentionable word. No need to worry about that. First, we learned about deciding whether to be our own friend or foe. Obviously, they both start with an “F.” Now the other two “F” words we are going to discuss are about forgiving and being forgiven.

Once again, I will tell a little story. This is actually a true story. I usually try to let you know which ones are real and which ones aren’t. In most cases, it doesn’t make much difference, because I tell the story to make a point. I will continue to use either format as the need arises to get any given point across. This story revolves around some information told to me by my father shortly before his death. My dad was only sixty-nine years old when he passed away, but he had suffered quite a lot from ill-health over the years. He had his first heart attack in his early forties, followed by a stroke in his fifties. Diabetes and some depression also exacerbated his condition. Needless to say, there were times when my dad didn’t have a lot of fun, especially in his mid to late sixties. He was a man who spent quite a bit of time in his rocking chair and did a lot of thinking in those last few years of his life…

I’M NOT PERFECT AND IT’S OKAY ~ Thirteen Steps To A Happier Self ~ Chapter 3 ~ July 27, 2011 by Dolores Ayotte

CHAPTER THREE ~ Listen Up Some More!

Well, friend or foe…what’s it going to be?

For fear of sounding like a broken record, I will try not to sound too repetitive. It’s just that some things need to be said more than once in order to realize their full importance. I realize that I am using the word “listen” in both this chapter and the last one to stress what I want to say.  To me there is a subtle difference between hearing and actually listening. We can hear all kinds of words, music, sounds, noise, and so in our everyday lives. Our ears pick up sound waves all day long. In my opinion, listening is a totally different thing than hearing. It is more about the process of deciphering what has been heard and really listening for the message and what it may mean to you. For example, the sound of music can be very enjoyable, but choosing to listen to and interpret the lyrics can bring even greater joy. I think it is possible to hear all kinds of sounds without delving deeper to find out more. Listening is more of a desire to understand some of the sounds or voices that we hear in order to get a better appreciation for what is being said or heard…

I’M NOT PERFECT AND IT’S OKAY ~ Thirteen Steps To A Happier Self ~ Chapter 2 ~ July 26, 2011 by Dolores Ayotte

CHAPTER TWO ~ A Simple Genius, a Gentle Philosopher

Well…did you take that look in the mirror?

Maybe I should have suggested that you do it figuratively rather than literally. I know how hard it is to do such a thing; however, I do believe it is very important. I call it getting to the root of the problem, and I believe it is a problem because there wouldn’t be such a need for all the self-help books if it weren’t.

I shared the first chapter I wrote with one of my daughters, and she told me what she liked best about it. She said that she liked the simplicity and the fact that it was easy to digest.Thanks to her input, I’ve decided to write this chapter next. I remember a cute story that took place many years ago when I started teaching school. Every year, our school would have an annual tea held sometime in the spring. It was a large school, and all the teachers were involved, as well as a lot of parents.The teachers either volunteered to do different tasks or the principal would often assign some. It was a lot of work. Of course, there usually was a theme to these teas, with all the decorations to go with it. It was quite a grand affair. The teacher chosen to select the theme did something I found very amusing at the time, although I must admit the principal did not find it nearly as amusing…..

I’M NOT PERFECT AND IT’S OKAY ~ Thirteen Steps to a Happier Self ~ Chapter One (continued) July 25, 2011 by Dolores Ayotte

….continued from yesterday ~ conclusion

CHAPTER ONE ~ The Greatest Of These Is LOVE

I have come to the conclusion that it is from this well of understanding that we find empathy and compassion for  the world around us. Our own world is a microcosm of the whole world. If we cannot find peace in this small world where we live, there will never be world peace. How can we expect such a thing if we cannot make it work on such a small-scale?

So let’s get back to looking in the mirror. If you don’t like yourself, ask yourself why. If the reason is because  of the way that you were taught, acknowledge and embrace that fact. However, there can be many reasons for not liking ourselves. Possibly we lack education and feel inadequate. We can feel inferior for a number of reasons, including a poor self-image due to body weight, shape, or size. Sometimes we don’t feel smart enough, regardless of our education. Some of us may feel that we have been born on the wrong side of the tracks, while others may feel that their skin is the wrong color or they are lesser because of their sex. Others may not be proud of their heritage or their own personal backgrounds and family history.

If a person has nagging feelings of inferiority that affect his/her quality of life, that person is the only one that can answer the questions about what is causing their own personal situation. In most instances, the remedy or solution to the problem can be the same, because in the end, the goal is to overcome the feelings of inferiority or inadequacy by developing better life coping skills. After you have done this, though, there is plenty of work to be done. This is not about blame, but more about understanding ourselves.

Remember, the better we understand ourselves and accept ourselves for what we are, the more we will understand and accept others for who they are. One very important fact to remember is that in most instances, our parents, educators, and mentors actually taught us the very things that they were taught and in much the same way. Education is a process that evolves and slowly changes with time. The key to life and what love is all about lies in accepting this. Education comes in a variety of forms. Not all education is formal, but we are constantly on the learning curve by observing, learning, and being influenced by others.

Love really is very simple. In fact, it needs no words or language at all. It can be a special feeling, look, touch, or act of charity, humility, or generosity. God lives in each and every one of us. God is perfect love. If you strive for perfect love, you will learn to see the face of God in your spouse, your children, and your fellow human. This should be our goal as humankind. If and when we do this, a lot of our problems will be solved. However, charity really does begin at home, so once again start with the face in the mirror. I encourage everyone to go have a really good look at yourself. Look right into your own eyes and into the depth of your own soul. It’s not as easy as you think!

Learn to love yourself as you are…that’s the first step.

I sincerely hope that you have enjoyed reading the first chapter of I’M NOT PERFECT AND IT’S OKAY ~ Steps to a Happier Self

If you would like to read more, please click on one of the following links to order a copy….Thanks! If you are still undecided, over the next few days, I will post the title and first paragraph of a few more chapters.  Down the road, I will also post some excerpts from my second book, “Growing Up & Liking It” ~ More Steps To A Happier Self  

Have a most enjoyable day and whether you purchase a book or not, I thank you for spending some time with me. Bright blessings to you all!

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I’M NOT PERFECT AND IT’S OKAY ~ Thirteen Steps to a Happier Self ~ Chapter One (continued) July 24, 2011 by Dolores Ayotte

…continued from yesterday

CHAPTER ONE ~ The Greatest Of These Is LOVE

Six months into the job, much to my  dismay, I had a relapse. I pulled myself up again and returned to work after six weeks. Once I regained my self-esteem and self-respect, I was able to use some of my teaching skills in my new job. I enrolled in some courses being offered and made every effort to re-educate myself. Several people in my new place of employment saw the benefits of my previous teaching experience, and they helped me utilize them in a totally different situation. I will be forever grateful to all those people who helped me along the way. In most instances, they had absolutely no idea of what had happened or the point of reference I was coming from. Although they knew I had been on sick leave, they had no idea I suffered from depression or my previous history with it.

This is just my story, but each and every one of us has one. It doesn’t necessarily have to do with depression.

For me, by going back in time, looking at myself, and striving to better myself, I learned so much more. It not only gave me personal insight, it also gave me a better understanding of others. The more I saw and understood my own shortcomings and virtues, the more I understood and accepted others.

As difficult and as negative as the above experience was for me, in retrospect I would not have wanted it any other way. When I was in the midst of it, I prayed and wished it away. After much soul-searching and hard work, I accepted myself and realized that it is human to fail, and I could get up again. I also learned that life can consist of many failures, but each and every time, you just have to keep getting up. For me, it was easier to fall down and get up rather than just lay there and suffer with bouts of depression.

When I learned to look at myself this way, I also learned to look at others in the same light. At times it is hard to measure up to the goals we all set for each other or for ourselves. We all fail at one time or another. By seeing myself in a more human light and in a more humane way, I learned that the person I was had nothing to do with whether I failed at something. I could still be considered a good person, no matter what was going on in my life.

This is when I learned to separate the person from the action. Although I had not completely succeeded at classroom teaching, I was not being punished for not being good the way I had been taught. Being good at something and being a good person are two totally different things, but it is very hard to accept this fact if you have been taught otherwise. Oftentimes people associate suffering with punishment. It was ingrained in me that I would be punished if I stepped out of line. I have come to realize that there are many innocent people who do not deserve to suffer and therefore are not being punished.

After experiencing all that I did, I soon learned that I am not perfect and that failure is a fact of life. I was not being punished either. I also learned that when you look at your whole self and decide what you like or don’t like, you can alter your own behavior. I did this by looking back at what caused all my confused thinking, religious hang ups, and guilt. I knew that it didn’t start in my early thirties. It merely peaked there. It had a much earlier origin, and I needed to go all the way back to figure it out. I knew what brought me to my knees had to do with religion, but I needed to know why. The only solution was to go as far back in my memory bank that I could and get to the root of the problem. That’s exactly what I did. I had to start with the ABC’s of my original instruction and go from there. Once I did this, I understood myself a whole lot better. Once I understood myself better, I also had more understanding for human nature period. I just had to start with the human I needed to know better, namely, myself.

Conclusion tomorrow…

I’M NOT PERFECT AND IT’S OKAY~ Thirteen Steps to a Happier Self ~ Chapter One (continued) ~ July 23, 2011 by Dolores Ayotte

…continued from yesterday

CHAPTER ONE ~ The Greatest Of These Is LOVE

I feel the need to say that depression feels very different from other physical ailments, at least from my personal point of view. It is generally not well received, and not all people have empathy with the condition.Several people think that you can just “snap out of it,” and this only adds to the frustration of trying to live with it. In my instance, it felt that I was somehow responsible for my depressed state. Perhaps it happens and I am unaware of it, but I can’t image anyone suggesting that a person suffering from diabetes, cancer, or some other life altering illness “snap out” of what they are going through.

Getting angry and frustrated with a depressed person only further aggravates and exacerbates the condition. He/she is having enough trouble trying to cope with life as it is. I am not trying to criticize, condemn, or complain. This is not my goal, nor has it ever have been. I only want to share because I care. I am not looking for pity for such a crippling condition but rather for compassion for all those who suffer in silence. I am also seeking compassion for those who live with a depressed person and, last but not least, compassion for those who have added to the crippling effect of the condition by their innocence or their ignorance. My silence no longer feels golden. It is time to find the courage to share my healing circle with my family, my friends, and all of you who choose to embrace what I have written.

During a depressed state, you feel very alone  and isolated. As stated above, in most instances you will not find the compassion you might get when experiencing other illnesses. You, therefore, might try to cover up what you are experiencing, and you may become further depressed. As a result, you may feel even more isolated in this downward spiral until you reach the point when you can hardly get up in the morning to start your day. You can lose your zest for life, your sense of humor, and joy for the little things that once enhanced your life and brought you so much pleasure.

A bout with major depression is like living in a black pit. Each day you have to work very hard at climbing out of it in order to see the light of dawn. It is at this time, when you may feel the need draw from a Higher Power to give you the strength and courage to face each new day. I found that without my faith there would have been very little hope to ever rise above the depressed state, not only faith in God but learning to have a renewed faith in myself. This is the hardest task because a depressed person has usually lost faith and trust in himself/herself. It is almost impossible to draw strength from a well that has run so dry. Eventually, by taking small steps and being satisfied with small gains, you can make some deposits into this dry well. Due to the fact that there is so little left to draw from, the only choice you actually have is to try to replenish it so you can make your way back to a full and rewarding life.

I must admit that this was the most difficult period of my life thus far. I had left my teaching career in order to recuperate, and I could not get the courage to return. It felt like I had failed miserably. I felt so lost. I then decided that in order to continue pursuing work outside our home, I would have to make some major decisions about what I was going to do in this regard. I had to learn how to think outside the box.

I came to realize that I didn’t need a classroom to teach. Classrooms have walls, but teaching doesn’t only need to take place inside those walls. I decided to change careers, and I got hired by a major financial institution. I soon discovered that before I could teach again, I had to be a student and learn totally new information. It took some time, and it was no easy task.

To be continued…

I’M NOT PERFECT AND IT’S OKAY ~ Thirteen Steps to a Happier Self ~ Chapter One (continued) ~ July 22, 2011 by Dolores Ayotte

…continued from yesterday

CHAPTER ONE ~ The Greatest Of These Is LOVE

If we are made in God’s image and likeness like we learned, but he is not seen as loving and kind, then how can we see ourselves that way? This may be my own personal case; however, by reflecting back to what shaped my personality, it gave me some understanding of myself and the negative thoughts and feelings I was living with. How many of us have started off in some similar way? Maybe it is not by the same religious foundation but by other child rearing practices that have had a similar result. How is it possible to have a healthy self-image when one is taught that they have little or no self-worth or that there is so much to fear? Today we can now clearly see the results of such a concept in the need for all the self-help books that are out there. In order to truly heal ourselves we all need to get back to the root of the problem and go from there.

In my early thirties, I was faced with a very serious bout of depression. It was extremely debilitating and filled me with discouragement and despair. In order to start the healing process, I had to understand how I arrived at this point and what I was going to do about it. It was very difficult to come up with any solutions from this frame of reference.

There seemed to be a genetic predisposition to my depression. I also know that the exposure to the rigid religious views taught to me at such a young age had a huge impact. It was like my past education had come back to haunt me. I remember when I was six years old, I would twist my hair with my little fingers in a childlike trance to try to bring some kind of soothing and solace to myself as I dwelled upon the concept of hell and what would happen to me if I wasn’t good. I remember the black robes that the sisters and the priests wore in those days and how frightened I was of them and all that they were saying.

At the age of six, I would picture the concept of hell and the magnitude of the words eternal suffering in my mind and try to make sense of what was being said. I listened to and absorbed these words and believed everything that I heard. I cannot underestimate the unbelievable fear that was instilled in me, whether it was meant to be or not. I would like to believe that my teachers’ motives were good and that they were just repeating the way that they had been taught.

Many children were unaffected by these teachings, but I know others who have been deeply affected, not unlike myself. It all depended on the personality of the child. I was very sensitive and shy, and I believed absolutely everything verbatim. It never entered my mind to think otherwise. I was also taught that to question anything was to demonstrate a lack of faith.

Initially, and still to this day, I find this a very difficult subject to discuss. It is much easier for me to write about it rather than to talk about it. Although I have used the word easier, it has by no means been easy. The impact it had on my life and the lives of my family still brings tears to my eyes. As I have gone back in time, I have forced myself to remember some pretty painful things. It is not so much about myself and my past depression, but it was necessary to evoke memories of people who have been so dear to me and are no longer here on earth. At times, as I do this, my eyes well up with tears that eventually run down my cheeks as I relive some of these moments. Other times I break out in a smile as I recall lighter and happier ones. I am so grateful for these happy times.

To be continued…

I’M NOT PERFECT AND IT’S OKAY ~ Thirteen Steps to a Happier Self ~ Chapter One (continued) ~ July 21, 2011 by Dolores Ayotte

…continued from yesterday.

CHAPTER ONE ~ The Greatest Of These Is LOVE

The first of these views that I would like to expand upon is love. To me, it is our most basic need. The need to love and to be loved is almost interchangeable, but the hardest person to actually love is oneself.

“Love has two daughters—kindness and patience.”[i] It is very important to bear this in mind as I go through the different points that I used to help myself. Important changes take time, and this requires a lot of patience and perseverance. It also requires a big dose of kindness, not only to others but to oneself. “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”[ii] Be kind to yourself, and you will learn to be truly kind to others.

So many times throughout life I have met several people who don’t like themselves for one reason or another. I must admit that at times, I have been at the top of the list. We want to be more like someone else, we want to have more of what someone else has, or we just want to be prettier, happier, or more successful. We think other people have more confidence or more self-esteem than us. Over and over again, we compare ourselves to others and come up short.

Very few people actually want to admit this to anyone. It almost seems that if we did, no one could or would want to relate to us. After years of soul-searching, sharing, and reading, I have come to realize how much alike we really all are in this regard. In most cases, it seems to come with time, age, and maturity before we actually admit this, not only to ourselves, but to the world around us. By the world around us, I mean our own personal world and some of the more trusted people in it. It would be so much easier if we didn’t feel the need to compare ourselves to others and even easier if it didn’t matter what other people think, but it does.

So, with this thought in mind, one of the quotes that helped me in my desire to develop self-love is that “You can conquer others with power, but it takes true strength to conquer yourself.”[iii] Over twenty-five years ago, during a difficult period in my life, I literally forced myself to stand before the mirror and say “I love you.” I had to realize and reaffirm that God made me in his image and likeness and that he loved me just as I was, flaws and all. The more I accepted this fact, the more I became able to accept others for who they are rather than whom I wanted them to be. I may not always succeed at this, but it is certainly not from lack of trying. When I don’t, I remind myself that I am human and that God made me this way for a reason, and I remind myself to keep persevering. Hence, I’m not perfect and it’s okay.

At this time, I also felt compelled to get back to the ABCs of my faith. I reflected all the way back to my first encounter with God at the beginning of my formal education, as early as first grade, and how I was taught. I looked at the basic questions that were asked and answered all in one breath. Who made you…God made me. How did God make you…God made me in his image and likeness. Why did God make you…God made me to know, love, and serve the Lord.

This sounds good, yet somehow in the midst of this education, another lesson was also taught. It was the lesson about sin. First, it was the sinfulness of Adam and Eve. Then it was about our own sinfulness at such young ages, told to such impressionable young minds. But even more importantly, it was about original sin and the indelible scar left on all of our souls.

There was no mention of love in those early days. We were taught about hell and eternal damnation. We were taught about mortal sin, venial sin, and dying with a sin on our soul that would never be forgiven if we had not gone to confession. We were taught that God was a punishing and unforgiving Father, and we risked the loss of his love just like Adam and Eve. We were taught a lot of frightening things, but the one thing that sticks in my mind the most is that we were not taught about God’s wondrous love and mercy.

to be continued…

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[i] “Sprichwort quotes,” Love  Sayings – Joachim Home Page,
www.genevieve-cory.isom.com/music/lovesayings.html.

[ii] “Lao-Tzu quotes,” Thinkexist.com,

http://thinkexist.com/quotation/kindness_in_words_creates_confidence-kindness_in/11355.html.

[iii] “Lao-Tzu quotes,” Business Coach – Changing Yourself: Starting with Yourself by Vadim Kotelnikov,

http://www.1000ventures.com/business_guide/crosscuttings/change_yourself.html.