I had an interesting conversation with one of my daughters a short time ago. In this conversation, she used the word ‘judgemental’ as a negative or undesirable trait. She mentioned during this conversation that she did not want to be a ‘judgmental’ person. I have also heard other people say such statements as “I’m tired of being judged”. I find the use of this word rather foreign to me. I personally, seldom if ever, feel like I am being judged by others. Maybe people do judge me and I just don’t recognize it. I don’t know. As a writer, I need to have a wide variety of opinions. It would be pretty difficult to write books, articles, or blogs without having them. As you can probably guess, I’m about to expound on one of these opinions today.
I know that I am not the only one with observational skills and personal opinions. I also know that it is necessary to assess situations and people in order to make an informed decision about what I am observing and where those observations will lead me. This is where I am going to get a little philosophical and use an analogy to better explain my assessment of the use of the word ‘judgmental’.
Many years ago when I suffered from depression, which is considered to be a form of mental illness, I was ashamed about my condition and chose to hide this fact from my family and friends. I felt that there was a “stigma” attached to mental illness and I did not want anyone to know so I kept it a secret as much as possible. Now, after almost thirty years I am able to not only write about my experiences but I am far more willing to discuss what I went through when the appropriate opportunity arises. The conclusion I arrived at after all these years, is that I actually had a bias myself. I know it was a learned bias based on my personal frame of reference, but it was a bias nonetheless. At the time of my illness, I was projecting how I thought society felt about mental illness when I was the one actually thinking it. Does that make sense? If I didn’t have my own bias toward mental illness, I would have been more open about it in the first place regardless of what anyone thought.
Okay, now I want to return to the concept of ‘being judgmental’ or the feeling of ‘being judged’. I think the same rationale I used for admitting to my own bias also applies here. Perhaps, people who feel that they are being judged have that trait in their own personality. If they think they are being judged in any way, shape or form, maybe it is because they are actually judgmental towards others themselves. If a trait is part of our character, we might assume that others share this same trait.
We can and do project the emotions that we are dealing with on others. We actually have no idea what other people are thinking. If we choose to express our views on other people’s thoughts, we are only sharing what is going on in our own minds. What I’m basically trying to say is this. What we think we see in others may actually live within ourselves. The only way we can ever know what someone else is thinking is if they share their thoughts with us.
“Be nice to someone today. It might not mean much to you but it could make the world of difference to them. The ones we think deserve it the least are the ones who need it the most”. ~ Charles Betts
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For those of us who have ever suffered from any form of depression…this poem says it all!
© Annabel Sheila
She’s beauty, style, poise and grace,
At least she appears to be.
But no one knows the girl who hides
Behind the face they see.
Her self-esteem is all but gone,
Of her ego there’s barely a trace.
There’s so much pain behind the mask
She wears upon her face.
Depression has controlled her life
With far too many tears,
Her smile is fake; she’s good at it,
She’s been doing it for years.
The cover is what attracts us,
To the story within the book.
And she’s afraid that without the ruse,
No one would bother to look.
Masks…so many faces. Which one shall I wear today? It is so wonderful to be free of the mask. I am so grateful that, at last, the truth has set me free. (Dolores)
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AUTHOR: Rose Anne Daniels ~ A True Story
TITLE: Roses Are Red ~ Survival & Recovery By God’s Grace ~ 117 pages
PUBLISHER : Tate Publishing & Enterprises
It’s hard to describe how I felt when I received this book in the mail. It was definitely with eager anticipation. I met Rose Anne Daniels on-line through a Christian Authors Group. We are both Tate Authors and we agreed to swap and review each other’s books. I didn’t even realize that she was a Tate Author until I received her book. It’s irrelevant. What is relevant is why I was drawn to Rose and her book in the first place. Rose’s book is about dealing with mental illness and overcoming the odds in order to have a full and rewarding life despite this debilitating condition. I very much wanted to know Rose’s story and now that I do, I can only feel utter respect and admiration for her.
Rose is a survivor. In Roses Are Red, she shares her “journey through mental illness, divorce, depression, and unemployment caused by bipolar disorder as she sinks to the lowest of lows and seeks to rebuild her life”. Rose is honest and open with her experiences as she starts off sharing her life as a young girl still living at home. She marries her one and only boyfriend whom she has been dating since she was fourteen years old. When she was a young girl, her mother suffered from mental illness and was treated with “shock therapy”. Now after the birth of her children, Rose, a registered nurse, becomes a patient in a hospital for the mentally ill herself. Her story is heart wrenching and true.
She shares her trials and tribulations as accurately as she can remember although she admits that some of her memories are foggy. Rose fought the odds and with the help of some very kind people, she eventually got back on track and turned her life around. Rose is now in her fifties and is still working as a registered nurse in a rehabilitation unit for brain injuries. She is the proud mother of two children and three grandchildren.
The last chapter of Rose’s book is titled Wholeness. In it she states, “My definition of wholeness would have to come from the mission statement at my current workplace: to see life beyond disability. This is not the same as seeing life without disability. To see without the disability would imply denial of the illness.” I find this analysis to be forthright and refreshing. To me and obviously to Rose as well, to deny the illness would be to deny a basic part of our being. Wholeness is embracing the illness and the challenges it has to offer. Effectively dealing with those challenges results in the feeling of wholeness. This is exactly what Rose has managed to do. Yes indeed…Rose is a true survivor!
If you would like to learn more about Rose by reading Roses Are Red, her book is available on Amazon. I provided the link below.
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Over the last few weeks, I have posted several articles dealing with depression. I have openly admitted that I have suffered from this, often times, debilitating condition and was hospitalized years ago when I was at my worst. I explained in an earlier post that I hid my depression as much as possible. I have felt for many years now, that the reaction to mental illness by family and friends is very different from the reaction to physical illnesses but I think things have changed. It took me years to be comfortable enough to “come clean” in sharing my story. On Saturday, March 19, 2011 in The Arizona Republic newspaper on page E5, this letter was written to Dear Abby. I would love for you to read it and let me know what you think.
Dear Abby:
When people have a serious illness, their friends and family usually send “get well” messages and flowers to the hospital. Unfortunately, it isn’t the custom to send supportive greetings and gifts to those who are dealing with psychiatric illnesses. These people deserve all the attention and good wishes that other patients receive. Please let it be known that psychiatric illnesses are treatable and recovery is possible. Support in all forms is essential in all patients’ progress toward recovering from serious illness of any kind. – Kathy in Universal City, Texas
Dear Kathy:
You make a good point. The reason some people may be hesitant to acknowledge someone else’s mental illness may be the stigma that is still attached to these kinds of problems. For that reason, there may be a reluctance on the part of the patient’s family to reveal there is a problem so serious that their family member must be hospitalized. But you are absolutely right. When people are ill, they need to know they are cared about. A card with warm good wishes is a step in the right direction.
_____________________________________________________________________________
I know that many people today are much more open and educated when it comes to dealing with any form of mental illness. However, this letter was just printed in the newspaper last Saturday. The word “stigma” was used to describe mental illness. What I would really like to know is if you think there is still a “stigma” to mental illness and if so why. Even if you aren’t comfortable with leaving a comment, perhaps you might just ask yourself this question. Many of us have suffered in silence. If it isn’t you, you probably know someone who still might be. Have we come as far as I would like to believe or am I deluding myself? What do you think?
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Dolores; Here is a poem I did a while ago. It is short but says so much as to my outlook on life. I feel that avoiding or overcoming depression, [ now mind you I have never suffered from it that I know of], has so much to do with our outlook, not only on life but also our outlook on the events that occur in our life. When we realize we are never alone, either in our circumstances, meaning we are not unique to them nor are we abandoned in them. If we feel alone or abandoned, then that is just it, we feel that way. God never leaves us and chances are that we have more friends than we recognize. In each case if we reach out, either upward or outward, there is help.
I do recognize as you say here that in some families there appears to be a predisposition to depression. At least in my observations I have seen it so. I am not an expert in sense of the word on this subject, this merely says this has been my observation.
Alive
I am alive today
I have made a choice
I’ll be kind in what I say
I’ll put laughter in my voice
Yes I’ve lost some things
Yes I’ve known some pain
Yet my heart will sing
Yet I will laugh again
A poem by Charles Betts, Jan. 24th 2008
Once again Charles, I want to thank you for your wisdom, inspiration and talent as you share yet another lovely poem with us.
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Over thirty six years ago I gave birth to twin daughters. I didn’t even know I was having twins until the day I went into labor. You can well imagine our surprise and delight. Our two-year old daughter was equally delighted with her two new baby sisters. Soon after I gave birth, many people asked me if twins ran in my family. I answered, “not to my knowledge”. Shortly after that I heard from extended family members that there were indeed many sets of twins on both my husband’s and my side of the family. I only discovered this fact later on in life because now this information had more relevance to my particular situation.
In some of my recent posts, I’ve been discussing the topic of depression. I have briefly touched on the premise that depression can be anger turned inward. Today, I am going to discuss another opinion I have about depression. I am no medical professional. This is only a personal opinion based on my own experience with depression.
Perhaps, you have already been exposed to the word “predisposition” . This is the word I am going to use to elaborate on what I refer to as the genetic link to depression. We have already heard, when referring to the medical model, that certain physical illnesses are genetically linked like heart disease, cancer, high blood pressure, and so on. Due to this genetic link we might be more apt to get or inherit these diseases from our ancestors. I think that a similar analogy can also be made with other illnesses like depression. When I suffered my severe bout with depression in my early thirties, I had a better look as to why I was suffering from depression when many of my peers were not. This realization was similar to when I gave birth to twins. I learned that many of my family members had also suffered in a similar way. When this debilitating illness became more relevant to me, I had a better look. In doing so, I discovered that there seemed to be a genetic link because there was a long list of family members who shared my plight.
I came to the conclusion that one of my genetic weaknesses had to do with depression. I now refer to this as my “genetic predisposition” to this particular condition. To me, it is no different from any other genes that we might inherit. In my opinion, having this “predisposition” does not necessarily mean that we will suffer from depression or other forms of mental illness. What it does mean is that we might have the propensity to be depressed if a traumatic event occurs in our lives to “trigger” an episode. Such traumatic events may include the after effects of combat, the death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, financial woes, stress, etc. Some of these events are impossible to control and can have a devastating effect on those with a “predisposition” to depression.
According to Nancy Schimelpfening, “The causes of depression are not entirely understood, but are thought to be multi-factorial. Studies indicate that depression is, at least in part, an inherited condition involving abnormalities in neurotransmitter functioning. Although inheritance is an important factor in major depression, it does not account for all cases of depression, implying that environmental factors may either play an important causal role or exacerbate underlying genetic vulnerabilities.”
In a perfect world where there were no traumatic events, possibly there would be no depression. I don’t know. I do know however, that this is not a perfect world. Although, we have no control over our genetic make-up, in a lot of instances we do have some control over the “triggers” that may cause our possible depression. From my personal frame of reference, this was what I have strived to achieve in overcoming my own depression. What I am basically saying here is this. If you suffer from symptoms of depression, the best course of action is to try to figure out what is causing it. This is the first step. After that, you may just succeed in figuring out what to do about it. If the “triggers” are within your power to control or avoid, your depression may also be managed more effectively. What do you think?
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On Thoughtful Thursday, February 17, I recently wrote a post titled “Dealing With Depression”. In this article I expressed the view that depression could be a result of anger turned inward. There are many reasons why a person might experience depression but this is merely the one that I am choosing to focus on again today. In my opinion, there is also a genetic predisposition to depression but I won’t be discussing that view today. A comment was left by Hope after this post that inspired me to address the anger issue which I referred to in the above post. This is the comment almost in its entirety.
“I agree whole wholeheartedly that moving past anger is a decision. Sometimes I think the things that are at the root of our anger are out of our consciousness, much as you have stated here. I had a very wise person once tell me that when the reason is out of your consciousness, you are still a victim of it. But once you are aware, but still acting in the same self-destructive way, you are no longer a victim, but you are choosing to be that way and blaming someone else. I think her point was, once you are aware of the self-destructive behavior, then you are wholly responsible for moving on or not. But no longer is there room for blame. So that took me a while to digest, but I think now, that it is very true.
It’s amazing how powerful you feel, once you realize there is a choice to be angry or not. Simple solution, very difficult to live by. With a daily commitment to think otherwise, there is proportional reprieve of the burden in that day.” (Hope)
I was extremely moved by this comment left by Hope after my post. I read it over and over again to get the full scope of its meaning. It also made me do more soul-searching and inspired me to write more on the topic of anger. I know a person who has suffered from severe depression for many years. This person has been on a heavy regime of medication for depression and although it helped somewhat, it never totally eliminated the depressed state.
After many years of suffering, a therapist managed to finally help her get to the bottom of her severe depression. Through counselling and extensive therapy, she was able to finally peel back the layers of what was causing her deep and often times, debilitating depression. What appeared to be the main cause although there were other factors, was the consistent bad behavior of her husband throughout their marriage. After this realization, her depressed state turned to outward anger toward her husband. Her anger toward him was so great that eventually they had to part ways. Over a span of several years, what was bottled up inside her and coming across as depression was really anger. It was her inability to accept what was really going on in her marriage and her inadequacy or reluctance to address the real issue. This is merely just one case that depression can be a result of anger turned inward.
According to Mike Hirn, “if you are angry, there are three ways you can approach the emotion: express the anger, suppress the anger, calm the anger. Expressing anger in a controlled manner, is a healthy approach. However, this approach is often difficult to do because it involves a balancing act — getting your needs met without hurting others. In short, controlling anger involves respecting both yourself and other people, especially those who are the cause or object of your anger, while still being able to express it. The second approach is suppression. Suppressing anger can backfire. When a person tends to suppress his anger, he can develop high blood pressure, hypertension or even depression. The last approach is calming the anger down. A person who is able to calm his anger down is able to control his outward behavior. However, if he is unable to calm down, he may hurt someone or even himself.”
As you can see it is no easy feat to deal with anger however; it can have many devastating negative emotional and physical consequences if we don’t. No matter what, we all experience anger now and then. Do you agree? How are you dealing with your anger?
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People often associate trauma with the aftermath of what soldiers might experience on returning home from war or other devastating physical and psychological events. Many people would simply answer “no” when asked if they’ve ever experienced trauma. I was one of those people. In my early thirties when I was raising my young family and working full-time as an elementary school teacher, I remember making a similar statement to some of my fellow teachers. I mentioned that I had never suffered. A year or so later, I was diagnosed with depression and my doctor prescribed an anti-depressant to help me cope.
After a negative reaction to the prescribed drug, I ended up in a worse physical, emotional and psychological condition than I initially started off with before the adverse reaction to the medication. This unfortunate event ended up causing me more trauma than I could ever put into words. I liken it to a near death experience as I faced hospitalization, the inability to eat resulting in major weight loss, insomnia, loss of self-esteem, loss of my teaching career and other symptoms I just as soon forget. I ended up with despair, confusion, desperation and isolation. I was then forced to look at my situation and face facts.
I never realized that I was a victim of childhood trauma until I was so out of sorts that I had no choice but to face my fears. Reality really hit home for me in my efforts to find a solution to my now even bigger problem than my bouts with depression. One of the most difficult things in life is to be truly honest with ourselves. I was in such denial and it took years for me to sort through the “muck” and get to know myself better to figure out what was really making me sick. Dr. Ashley Solomon shares her wisdom in her article titled: What is Trauma? I hope you will take a few minutes to read what she has to say about trauma and its devastating effects. Perhaps, there are past events in your life that are affecting how you live today. Hopefully, this article will shed some light on what you may be dealing with and what you can do to help correct your situation. It may also steer you in the right direction to find the resources you might need.
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I have formed a very unique friendship with someone I have come to admire and respect. I don’t know her full story but I do know that she has experienced a deep loss. She made a decision to overcome that loss by starting a blog. It is called Eyes On Hope. Several months ago our blogging paths crossed and we have become dear friends. I have never met her in person. I only refer to her as Hope. She has come to call me “Miss D”. I’m pretty sure I’m old enough to be her mother but she has helped me every bit as much as I hope I have helped her. Hope is one talented girl. She is a beautiful poet and writes great stories to share her hope with the world. Every morning, I visit with her. She doesn’t know my full story either but for one reason or another our heart-strings are attached. We found each other because it was meant to be, that I know for sure.
I love the nickname Hope has given me. As you know, my name is Dolores. Little does Hope know, but I’m sure she suspects that I have known many other words starting with D which have deeply affected me over the years. I know the meaning of discouragement and disappointment like so many of us do but I also have experienced despair and deep depression. Almost thirty years ago, I could hardly convince myself to get out of bed. If it weren’t for my young children and the need to get them off to school, I’m not so sure I would have bothered. During those dark times in my life I felt very little hope, if any at all.
I have formed another very unique and precious friendship with Nikki. Nikki and I also communicate on a daily basis. We know a lot more about each other because we have read each other’s books and we’ve had the opportunity apart from the blogging world to share more personal information. Nikki makes my day in much the same way as Hope. She is open and honest. She’s had a tough life but she found peace with it by finding her faith. She is a survivor of rape and abuse, both physical and emotional. She has also created a blog called Gentle Recovery to help in her healing process. She has touched my life in such a way that it brings tears to my eyes as I think of her story.
I feel so fortunate to have found such wonderful friends. By reaching out, these two women have honored me in such an indescribable way. We have shared our stories of hope. We have inspired each other on our personal healing journeys. We have learned to trust again and to look on the bright side of things. I personally have found another D word which my daughter uses on her blog to describe her relationship with God. I have found the Divine. The One who is all loving and all merciful. The One that loves me no matter what. You know what else? I have discovered several other words beginning with D to describe where I am in my journey today. I have encountered a Deity that surrounds me with daylight instead of darkness, delight instead of dread and despair, and dauntless faith instead of deep depression based on irrational fears. Hope…you have no idea how appropriate your nickname ”Miss D” has become, however I much prefer these present day, more delectable D words in my life.
Thank you Nikki and Hope for allowing me to be part of your journey and for your inspiration on mine. Thanks to all my readers who have added to my life in their own precious way by following my blog, making comments or reading my books. You have helped make my life far more desirable and delightful! Blue Skies today and always…
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